Saturday, November 12, 2011

Im tying a knot at the end of my rope...

Its been really tough the last few months of my life (August-Sept-Oct-Nov). I have been faced with probably one of the most mind-blowing trial a woman could ever face. No one can be prepared for this, I know because even if I always thought i know what i would do if it happens to me - its just not the same when it hits you.

Ever since the day, I have cried endlessly, most of the time more than once a day. I wanted answers, I wanted to know what's wrong with me, or where did i go wrong in the things I did. I never knew that this kind of pain existed - the kind of pain that consumes your being, it weakens your spirit. It makes you wonder if God saw it and tried to prevent it for you.

Maybe the person who caused me all these will never understand what I am going through. I just hope that he would somehow admit and be true to himself that he has caused someone so much pain and ask for Forgiveness if not to me, to God.

I have not told this to friends, not much. Only a few knew of the trouble that I was going through. And they don't even know the details, the very details that shattered my heart into millions of pieces. They saw how strong I am and thought I am almost over this... Not quite, Not yet. I only appear strong but inside i am broken. It always seemed like its ready to stop beating. Everyday I feel I hope today is the end.

Everyday, I pray. I have never prayed so much in my life, until this hits me. Whenever loneliness would struck me, I would close my eyes and pray that he embraces me and cover me... protect me from all the unpleasant thoughts. I have asked God to give me the strength to move on, give me the right mind to accept these, give me a better heart to forgive.

But God gave me more than I need. He gave me realizations. He showed me that if could just hold on a little bit more, I could and I would be able to see that he's prepared something better for me.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I have come to the end of my rope... I need to just tie a knot and hang in there a little bit more. I will never lose hope. Nothing is permanent in this world, even pain and sufferings will go, right?

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